Posted 03 November 2019 - 11:01 PM
I found out a few years ago that I have some rare form of hypomania that never ever goes away and turns me into some notch below insane, living superhero.
Like, I can rationalize my shit and other people's shit but I have this permanently ingrained sense of humor with it that I cannot turn off and I think, analyze, turn things over in my head every motherfucking waking minute of the day.
I might sleep once for 4-6 hours every other or even third day because I don't need it.
I'm mentally and physically faster than most people, strong for my size. Im 5'9, 145 and can lift an excess of 200lbs.
My coworkers and ex girlfriend call me "popeye" because of it.
I walk around with earbuds in all day while I'm working like that kid off of baby driver because it tends to stifen the constant flow of flight of thought.
I do boxing and kickboxing nearly every goddamn day as a way to "center" myself. Because even if I don't, even if I bust my ass for 12+ hours I'll get increasingly eccentric and won't sleep
I ended up finding out when I was talking to a dr because I thought I had PTSD.
He said, "why do you think you have PTSD?"
I said, "because I get anxiety around open, overly populated places around dumbass people. I don't sleep. I can't rest, I can't stop and when I see someone being subjugated or bullied or a person being an insufferable asshole I want to beat their asses or resist, oppose them, deal with it."
He said, "do you need the sleep?"
Him: "when you want to confront those people do they deserve it? Always?"
Me: "I wouldn't if they didn't."
Him: "you're hypomanic"
Me: "the fuck is that?"
So I spent a looong, long assed time trying to figure it out. Getting into trouble because of it. Self medicating to "turn it off". Getting into trouble for self medicating. Researching it. Learning to "harness" it I guess?
Which is kind of like directing a fire hose. I can point the shit but I can't fully control it.
Think Charlie sheen when he went on his tangent about being a warlock and shit. Same thing I guess, I'm not quite as pig headed though it's like being cocaine personified so it's hard not to.
There's a dr that wrote a book about it called, "the hypomanic edge" at john hopkins.
He theorized that 10% of the bipolar population has it and has throughout history.
Christopher Columbus, Henry Ford, Benjamin Franklin, Bill Clinton, and I'm convinced Charlie all had it.
He thinks it's not an illness or sickness of the mind but an evolutionary advantage.
All I know is it's hard as fuck to deal with the police when every fiber of your being is screaming to call him a punk motherfucker and kick em in the teeth. Especially when you look an act like you're at the peak of a 150 day coke binge.
Hard as fuck
After dealing with them again and again and it not really changing shit no matter which way I try to cope with it. Running from it for years. And having every woman ive ever dated ask me to stop self medicating because they like that personification of me better. And various people in my life telling me I had a gift, that it's a good thing I think I'm gonna try to go straight.
Im not quitting pot though fuck that, or liquor.
So I got my 200 ton captain's license a few months ago. And I finally got a job where I get to have a few weeks off every month. Think I'm gonna join a boxing gym and train. I like it, its fun. Also I get to be an unmitigated asshole and don't go to jail for it.