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So I wrote a thing

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#1 Mope


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Posted 21 May 2020 - 11:44 AM

I was basically talking to someone about how we attribute human characteristics to our conceptualization of alien life and then started kind of making a joke about it. Like, I always had this impression that if they were out there they'd view us as dumb AF and kind of annoying.

I kept making myself laugh over it and came up with these two characters and I reckon I'm looking for feedback.

It's a little long and this is just the first "part".

I'm calling it: On the outskirts of everything

Sometime in the near future; SETI captures a strange, indecipherable signal originating from within deep space. Somewhere just beyond the reaches of the kuiper belt. For months scientists and astronomers mull over the signals superimposing them on spectrographs, using advanced computer systems and data processing equipment to discern what exactly they are.

None succeed; though one thing is determined they are infact alien and that distinct images recovered from the signal take the very same shape of a mysterious hieroglyph found throughout various ancient structures and texts.

In conjunction with NASA the United States Space Force plans a mission into deep space to determine the source of the mysterious signal.

In charge of this mission is the young captain Luna Valentina her mission statement is to first find whether or not the source of the signal itself might have been sent my an extraterrestrial civilization. And if so; to establish communication and diplomatic relations with our newfound neighbors.

After many months of travel throughout deep space on an extensive, dangerous, and daring mission of "space odyssey" like proportions of which there will be no great detail because it's rather boring and not quite relevant to this story captain Luna and her crew find themselves arriving at their mysterious destination.

Loosely orbiting around the kuiper belt is what looks to be a small dwarf planet, on closer inspection the crew realizes that this celestial object isn't really a planet at all but a large comet   that's been retrofitted as a sort of colony, a habitable satellite of sorts.

Peppered with small dome-like objects and other structures of a technological origin and illuminated by low level blue lighting.

The crew quickly determine that this must be the source of the alien signal and so begin preparations for landing and meeting their newfound neighbors.

As the lander touches ground the astronauts spot a figure moving towards them coming from the direction of one of the domes.

As the figure approaches it's features become easier to perceive. It is a "grey" about 4 1/2ft in height its anatomical structure and facial features are humanoid in nature and it's body composition although smaller and thinner than your average human appears more in common with an anemic adolescent than many of the historical sightings of greys throughout history.

 All the while as it approaches the human astronauts the creature is flicking it's head from side to side and waving it's arms periodically making audible "groaning" noises and muttering in an indesipherable dialect.

The creature pauses before the human astronauts and starts speaking in a language not understood by man.

The astronauts look at the creature quizzically.

It holds up a single, extended digit and starts fiddling with a piece of technology fitted around it's neck.

Alien: "hold on"..

Continues fiddling with tech

Alien: "There....had to set my translator to "fucking stupid".

alien: "WHAT!?!?"

Captain Luna steps forward and introduces herself then asks it it's name.

Alien: "Name? We don't have "names", those are a human construct attributed to the need to feel important, individual, a false sense of security in one's own identity when really not a one of you are all that different from the others.

Luna: Well then.....what should we call you?

Alien: "I'm the one that drew the short straw...

Luna: how about this? Since you're the first representative of your kind that we have met, could I call you "alpha"?

Alpha: I don't give a shit...

Humans tell him they found a signal and followed it.

Alpha: "SHIT! Jorg turn off the audio transmitter!"

Another alien yells from within a dome

Jorg: "but my favorite songs playin.."


*the other alien staggers out of a biodome with crystals all over his face


*Jorg sees the humans, staggers back then leans forward and squints at them

Jorg: .....are they real?

Alpha: yes Jorg, they're real...

Alpha looking at humans: "what's it going to take?"

Luna: "Excuse me?"

Alpha: "What am I gonna have to give you in order for you to get your soft, oily, pale ass off my fucking cosmic porch and go back to pretending you're an evolutionary fluke, a one in a trillion chance of life forming within this universe and that we never even existed???"

Luna: "But....why?"

Alpha: "Because the  last thing I ever wanted to deal with when I woke up this solar rotation was you people and your bullshit."

Alpha: you really think we weren't perfectly aware of your existence? Aeons ago after countless failed attempts to educate and enlighten the failed evolutionary experiment of humanity we just gave the entire ordeal up because you people are a lost cause.

You are genetically predispositioned to fuck up everything you touch, including yourselves and especially each other. So we decided to kind of leave you on your own in the boonies of the galaxy, all in your own sandbox entertaining yourselves like the slightly retarded kid in daycare that likes to bite.

Luna looks at alpha, dumbfounded: well...could you atleast answer a few questions for us?

Alpha: if it'll get you to fuckoff, then yes.

Luna: "We found these hieroglyphs carved in a strange, unrecognized language on the Egyptian pyramids? What do they mean?"

Alpha looks at Jorg

Alpha: what did I tell you?

Jorg: But it's my signature...


Jorg: you can't put a value on fine art...

*Alpha snatches a print of hieroglyphs from humans and looks at it

Alpha: That "fine art" isn't even spelled correctly, dumbass

Luna: what does it say??

Alpha: "Jorg wuz hear"

Luna: we also found a chamber beneath the sphinx with one of those same hieroglyphs carved into the side of one of it's paws

Alpha: What's a sphinx?

Luna: a half lion, half man ancient statue.

*alpha laughs

Alpha: oh shit! That's still there?

Luna: what's ins-

Alpha: Don't worry about it.

*Jorg is squatting near a large flat stone pillar with a crystal smashing it into powder with a stone

He then stops, looks at luna, grins, slams his face into the residue and inhales deeply

Jorg: OOOOooooooaaaaahhhh!

He then looks towards alpha

Jorg: by the way you know we're all outta exocrystals? Gonna have to go to Earth and re-up soon.


Luna: you put dr-


Luna: but-


Luna: So the legendary "Hall of records" is actually just an alien drug stash?


Alpha: .......No?

Luna: .......

*Jorg falls over on the ground and rolls around laughing hysterically


Alpha: "In all seriousness; why are you here? What do you want?"

Luna: "To further scientific understanding and discovery of extraterrestrial life within our shared universe."

Alpha: "Fuck is this? Star Trek??

Well, you found us! Congratulations! You can go home now..."

Luna: "also, to initiate interplanetary trade and diplomatic relations; if possible. With any newfound intelligent sentient life."

Alpha: "That isn't really a decision I can make on my own. You have to....er...speak to the....


To the..um...to the elder."

Luna: The who??

Jorg: "He means his mother, you've gotta ask his mom first."


Luna: "You mean to tell me you two aren't even adults? You've got to ask your mommy before communicating with another species??

Alpha: HEY SMARTASS, I'M OVER TEN THOUSAND YEARS  OLD! I've watched the whole of entire civilizations rise and fall in a span of time which to you would seem like an eternity but for me is no different than motherfuckin brunch at Denny's.

Luna: Then where is she? Your mother.

Alpha: "Her"

Luna: What? I need to speak with the elder, your mom. On behalf of humanity.

Alpha: You can't....

Luna: ........why not?

*Jorg snickers

Jorg: can I tell them??

Alpha: Shut up, Jorg

Because my mother is in the midst of an epoch long process of intimate cosmic renewal and rebirth, gathering energy and matter coursing throughout the universe and birthing new stars. Her language, her very existence is one beyond the capacity of understanding for lower life forms such as yourself.

Luna: I don't understand...

*Jorg snickers again

Jorg: What he means is; his mom is a "Starfucker"

Alpha: FUCK YOU JORG! I told you to quit calling her that. A thing that encompasses the very fabric of this reality cannot be summed up with such a crude oversimplification. Besides, that song fucking sucks. The Beatles were better...

Jorg: The Beatles were better...

Luna: The Beatles WERE better...

Jorg: It's true though, everybody calls your mom a "starfucker". She's really hot too...

*Jorg points at Luna


Luna: Wait a minute....your mother is the pillar of creation? A great cosmic cloud that births new stars?

Alpha: "are"

Luna: .....

Alpha: is that what you call her?

Luna: Then how do I talk to her?

Alpha: ........I can facilitate communication but I really don't wanna

Luna: Please do

Alpha: FINE!

Alpha mutters: shit.....

Alpha: hold on a minute...

*he closes his eyes then starts to levitate for a few moments giving off a multicolored aura then settles back onto the ground and looks at captain Luna.

Luna: Well? What did she say?

Alpha: In your common parlance it would sound something like: "WHHOOOOSSSH!"

Luna: And what does that mean exactly??

*both aliens look at each other and then just shrug


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