Your Emo Years or: Awkwardly Talk About How Much Worse Strangeluv and Mkkmypet Had It Than You
Posted 27 June 2008 - 06:50 AM
I was raised with a conflict in me. I grew up in a wholly black neighbourhood and I was one of the only non-blacks in my primary school, yet my parents raised me as racist. Most Indians here are very primitive and have a thing against blacks. So I was always confused whether I should make friends or not, because this was never really cleared up for me. I am supposed to please my parents but what am I to do about friends? I make friends, anyway.
Age 9, my father teaches me how to fight. He says if I am going to be friends with niggers, I should at least know how to defend myself when things get rough. He shows me how to break an arm and how to break a leg and uh that Vulcan Nose Grip thing that Spock from Star Trek used to do. He asks me if he could tie me up to see if I could escape. I oblige. He ties me up but I can't get out. I never learnt how to.
Age 10, I get into a fight over trivial name-calling and damage a boy fairly badly. I am the star pupil of my class so they let me off the hook. I don't get into another fight until I am 12, this time in secondary school, where I slam a boy's head against a desk. I frighten the entire class but again, I am let off the hook with just penance and told not to do anything like that again.
At age 13, my first sexual encounter is with my cousin. She was 15 at the time. I used to spy on her while she changed her clothes. She catches me one day and opens her towel for me and asks me what I like most about her body. I want to run away but I don't know what to do. I tell her that her breasts look the nicest. A couple months later, we are at a beach house, sleeping together in the same room. There is so much of us that we have to share beds. She decides to sleep on the same bed as me. While I am trying to sleep, her hand reaches over and touches my dick. It becomes semi-hard. She asks me if I like it. I say yes. She jacks me off and I come. We've spoken normally ever since but never about that. She's married now.
That same year, my father turns alcoholic and begins beating me up. He begins to make fun of the way I look. But I never react. At age 14, I get into my second secondary school fight. I choke-slam a black boy in my class. It is mostly a one-sided fight. My father is called in to have a conference with me and my form teacher. In front of the teacher, he tells me not to do it again. In the car, he tells me, "That nigger deserved it."
Age 14 still, I begin fantasizing about killing people. Didn't know if I would seriously do it or if it was just a bi-product of my anger from being beaten up. I fantasize about stabbing, strangling, drowning and "blow-torching" several people I know, including my father. One day, some asshole tells me that if I want to attack someone, I should go straight for the neck and break their windpipe. So I begin fantasizing about that.
Sidenote: I didn't start listening to music or watching movies until I was 15, for some strange reason. I never liked any movies or music before that age.
Age 15, I get into a fight with my father. I go for his throat and I win. He is more surprised than angry and not really damaged. Two months later, I get into another fight with him but he wins and I get a black eye. Nobody at school does or says anything. After that, I begin something I call "pretend-killing", which I basically do by turning off the lights and stomping, kicking and punching the ground, pretending someone's there (not anyone in particular, really). I begin writing my first novel. I finish it in 5 months. It is called "Animosity" and it is utter shit, yet the school hails me as a "literary genius", just because I wrote a book, without considering if it's good or not.
Age 15 still, Christmas Day. I am using the Internet in my room but my father keeps disconnecting the phone line from outside. He does it to mock me. I come outside to reconnect the phone line but as soon as I go back into my room, he disconnects it and laughs. This continues for about 6 more times. He disconnects it the last time and I stare at my computer screen blankly for about 15 minutes. I come out of my room. I grab a chair from the kitchen, drag it across the room and smash it against my father's back. My mother cries. I reconnect the Internet and go back into my room.
Age 16, I make my first and only pathetic attempt at suicide by hanging. The rope comes loose and I fall. I am mugged two weeks later. I break the mugger's arm and take my wallet back. I write my second novel. It is slightly better than my first but still shit. Though I perceive it as shit, escaping it into my new worlds make me happier and I look forward to it every day. I enter a few essay and poem competitions and win. My school makes the papers and they like the press.
Age 16 still, I get into my third secondary school fight. It is with a boy who brought a cricket bat to beat me with for 'stealing' his girlfriend. I launch at him, aiming for his neck and begin digging into it. People pull me off and another conference is called. They say this is my final warning before I get kicked out of the school and that I would be kicked out if I weren't so "literary" because it's good for the school's name.
Age 17, I shave my eyebrows off and begin lurking in my parents' room while they are sleeping. I look at them sleep and contemplate killing them with a butcher knife. My father wakes up and sees me one day. He asks me what I'm doing what that butcher knife. I tell him, "To butcher you with". The next day, my father quits drinking and beating me.
Age 18, my eyebrows grow back. A boy at school throws toilet water in my face as a prank. I laugh it off. He does it again five minutes later. I feel the fight response coming. I look at his neck. I growl. I think about breaking his windpipe. I resist it really hard. I run into the toilet and vomit. I sit down and calm myself.
Age 21 (now), I have not gotten into a fight since. I don't think about breaking windpipes and have yet to break one. I don't play with butcher knives anymore. My father and I are friends. I have a fetish for black girls. I still write and have amassed a whole line of other hobbies to occupy my time. Suicide seems very far away because life is swell.
Tell me about your emo years!
Posted 27 June 2008 - 06:57 AM
Dealing with my depression for the first few years of it (since I was 14) was rather hard, and I ended up dropping out of school, but I am a bit better now.
Posted 27 June 2008 - 06:58 AM
seriously is this a joke
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:00 AM
i also never had emo times
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:01 AM
Just thought it would make people feel better about themselves!
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:05 AM
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:06 AM
and i really don't mean to offend
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:11 AM
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:13 AM
That was very brave of you Dr, you impress me more every day.
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:15 AM
at age 16 I started playing world of warcraft because vesper said it was fun, so I used it as a place to live outside of my normal...life...which I hated...it was an out..
at age 17 I stopped playing world of warcraft
now at 18 im addicted to painkillers because I dont want to feel the pain of life...
you kind of win..
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:21 AM
is this one of your trolls
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:24 AM
No wonder it's an unlucky number.
When I was 13 I'd often get into trouble at school. One time I was in school and I was talking and I got in trouble. I kept doing it anyway and they called my parents and I got in deep trouble. I didn't care.
When I was 14 I got suspended from highschool for assaulting a teacher. I had picked up a ninja star I had found during interval and threw it during class. I threw it at the door but it arced and hit her. It was only made of paper but it was quite sharp.
When I was 15 I would go out and sometimes I'd be late comminghome. I was meant to come home at 5 at the latest but sometimes I'd come home at 5.15.
When I was 16 I pushed this boundary even further, and one day I came home at 6.00. I said my watch must've been an hour slow.
When I was 17 I found a way to express my inner self. I turned to the arts. Good charlotte and Linkin Park hushed my nightmares and kept me from doing anything I might have later regretted.
I turned 18 and that's when real trouble happened. I started drinking, moderately. Whenever we were at a party I might have some drinks. I knew where this path led and I chose it anyway. I looked a lot older than I really was, so I only got asked for ID occasionally, and I'd have to give them my passport because I didn't have a drivers license.
I dropped out of highschool completely when I was 19 and finished highschool. I enrolled in university and that was a major turning point in my life. It looked like things were going up.
year 20 came and I was barely going to classes. I only spent one or two hours at university a day, though I went to all my lectures. Now I'm nearing 21 and I don't know what's going to happen.
I USE Q'S INSTEQD OF Q'S
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:24 AM
yeah really! i mean i spent high school BORED//PRETTY SAD for the most part but this is ridiculous. i mean i have a few things LIKE THIS that have happened to me because i was kind of a ridiculously bad kid up until about the age of 15, and i didn't get along with my parents for quite a while, but in terms of SHEER QUANTITY of events he definitely has me beat!
i think he meant talking about stuff like this here would make people feel better about themselves ? though the guy probably makes everyone feel like they've got nothin to complain about, that's some terrible shit you went through I'm glad you got out of it.
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:49 AM
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:55 AM
holy shit strangeluv i always imagined you like this really calm guy. jesus christ
is this one of your trolls
I am a calm guy now. I'm playful, at my worst. I've turned pretty much into a pacifist. I joined GW when I was around 18, after all of this, and I was generally a very awful member, reflected by the person I was trying to fade away from. I only started becoming a more helpful person here when I began changing in real life and "fixing" myself.
The last time I said something about myself (except bouquet of fried chicken) is about my country in Dave's "venting" topic and dudes got all upset and uncomfortable when I talked about it.
Anyway, I dunno. I can see why this could be an awful topic and I've been going Wackfiend lately and you can lock if you wish. I just wanted to tell all that shit to say that people do change sometimes, situations do change sometimes and people can have complete turn-arounds. You don't need to have a butcher knife and no eyebrows to do it, I guass. I don't think suicide is a very good answer for anything and I would have missed out on everything I am enjoying right now in life.
Yeah, and don't beat your children and teach your children to be racist. It's not a nice thing for them.
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:57 AM
?-12- I'm not going to say that my parents were some kind of abusive monsters or something but I did have alot of problems with them growing up. My mom suffered from some pretty horrible child abuse when she was very young and I think as a recoil effect she took out alot of pent-up anger on me and my younger brother. But mostly just me because I was the oldest, she was too young when she had us. And I think she was immature and wasn't fully mentally prepared enough to raise a child until my second brother was born. When he came about I guess she was like, "fuck it" with the first two and devoted most of her time to him.
My father was borderline alcoholic for awhile, he got VERY belligerent when he was drunk that and I don't think he's ever been very happy with who he is or what he does. Which I guess he figured was MY FAULT because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants long enough to make something of himself? I don't know.
ANYWHO, this lead to alot of kiddie depression and bad feelings towards my family and alot of anger that I still, to this day can't overcome.
I forgive my parents but I'm still angry with them for the way they acted towards FUCKING CHILDREN.
12- I start writing a little bit. I would have never really gotten into it but my English teacher kind of coaxed us all into writing and I was the very first one to actually start writing poems and short stories. They are pretty terrible but good for my age I guess and anyone in that school at the time. I started to listen to music too, I'm pretty sure it was just Limp Bizkit and Eminem though.
13- I'm still writing but this time its my art teacher encouraging me to do it, I write about death and misfortune alot for some reason. My parents buy me a ps1 after I begged them for it for a VERY long time. All I do is sit around and play video games, I've got two fairly good friends (one of which is the guy that actually got me to come here) but I really don't do much other than sit around and play games. My parents start giving me ALOT of shit for doing this and it doesn't really help, they call me names like lazy and fatass (I wasn't overweight, but it still made me feel pretty shitty). I guess it was just tough love but it didn't help at all, I used to be a really emotional kid and it made me cry alot when they treated me like that.
9/11 happens and I decided to market on the event or something (I really don't know what was going through my head at the time) so that very day in art class I write a poem about patriotism (it is very, very corny). My teacher thinks its like the best thing ever and tells the student council in charge of the yearbook and it gets published at the corner of a page in it. My parents/grandparents hear/read about it and decide to get it published in the back of a local newspaper. I clearly remember that day I was talking shit about what was happening and kept yelling, "ahahaha fuck new york, I bet some idiot pilot didn't know where he was going and ran into that building". I realized later on after the second one hit and the death toll it was a pretty terrible thing to say, but I guess I really didn't understand the value of life then.
14- I'm really quiet, I've always been really quiet though. Alot of people at school figure because of that and the sort of stuff I wrote I was a psychopath. I figure that if people think I'm a psychopath they won't bother me, I didn't really get picked on very much in middle school but it did happen. Although it was mostly just smart ass sk8ters that thought they were funny running their mouths. So I capitalize on being insane and start staring off into space during class and carrying myself like a lunatic. Even though this is happening I do make quite a few friends while still keeping the few I already had, But most of them still think I'm crazy regardless.
My dad starts drinking heavily and arguing with me every chance he gets, he was never really one for much physical abuse but he was still a dick to me. I stop talking to him and I never really hold a strong conversation with him ever again. My mom is a bitch and bitches at me alot about EVERYTHING, like I said I don't like fighting but she would try to smack me around and I only fought back once when she backed me into a corner I slammed her head into a wall. She didn't touch me again, I felt bad about doing it but she did deserve it. She had always treated me pretty horribly from this point prior and I think it actually helped because she stepped off and didn't do it anymore.
15- I get into music a little more, mostly just Linkin' Park and whatever was on the radio. I go to high school and meet a few new people. I fight with my family alot, get in fights with my brother and stop talking to him for almost 6 months or something. Still not talking to my dad much, but he likes to drink and start shit with me out of the blue. I get really angry at this point and start breaking down alot, I'm very often depressed and talk less and less until I get to the point where I come home and don't say anything to anyone for days.
I think 15/16 was pretty much the end of it though, I never really got into alot of fights outside of my family and tried to avoid people that bothered me. Still got in alot of depression but never really anything extreme to the point of trying to kill myself. Of course I thought about it, and once I actually wrote a suicide note but I never tried to do it.
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:58 AM
Holy mess bro, that is some gutsy stuff. I remember seeing some pictures of your back when we talked on AIM, but I never thought you had THIS much stuff going on. I don't know why, but the part of you breaking a chair over your dad's back reminded me of Bard and Homer... cept darker.
-Official Progress + REVAMP II Release Thread-
Posted 27 June 2008 - 08:04 AM
Like what kind of shit they went through during childhood and how they handled it
even though strangeluv's stuff is unbeatable
un...unless otomon is unbanned.
nvm I see that now
Posted 27 June 2008 - 09:14 AM
Posted 27 June 2008 - 09:51 AM
back in February i was admitted to a psych ward for mild depression and i've been on about 4 different anti-depressants
edit: man i read that over again you have to be trolling
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