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YOU ARE A HEARTLESS BASTARD


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#1 Farren

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 07:29 AM

Alright, I'm gonna try to make this topic more of a discussion than about ME and MY problems. So I'm going to post what I'm going through in tags and you can read it or just go on to the rest if you so choose.

[hide]A few days ago there was a death in my family. Actually, it was my grandmother. She died of colon cancer after I think it was about two years of going through chemotherapy to try and kill the cancer. But let me backtrack a bit and explain who my grandmother was in relation to me and my family and why her death should be hard on me.

My grandma was a great woman. I know people probably say this a lot, but I mean it so sincerely that I can't really put it into words. If there is a heaven, then she'll be the first person in the gate just ahead of mother Theresa (that stuck up bitch). She was Catholic, and very close to god and her religion, but despite this she still held a VERY open and liberal mind. Which still amazes me to this day. How she could live in the deep south, around so much ignorance and hatred for so long and still remain unaltered in her political beliefs and morality. I am using the word "hatred" loosely. Most natives around here are all just pretty ignorant and scared, sheep people. She helped any and everyone she possibly could, including an uncle and cousin who had strayed a little from the beaten path and got into some rotten shit. She was pretty much the root and foundation for our entire family, no one did anything without talking to her about it. My Grandmother helped raise me and my two brothers as well as most of my cousins.

And now I'm going to go into a little bit of background about myself. I'm a Merchant Seaman since 2006 and I've been gone about 70% of the time in between then and now. I've always been sort of weird when it comes to death in the family or anything of the sort. But I just thought that I didn't really feel anything or mourn because I didn't know the people that had passed. They were all either distant relatives I'd only met a few times or someone thats mind had been gone long before I was even aware of them.

After my grandmother had her first bout with cancer you couldn't really see a difference in her appearance other than wear and tiredness. And eventually the chemo worked and the doctors said it was all gone and she was good. Well, I left about six months ago and about halfway through my time at sea my mom told me my grandma's cancer was acting up again. I didn't have any alot of experience with cancer and I figured that they would just give her chemo again and that would be that, or maybe that I wouldn't see the effects of her cancer through physical appearance. So I didn't expect what I returned home to, but when I saw her, it scared the hell out me. My grandma had always been a pretty hefty, short, polish lady and she ALWAYS looked healthy. But when I saw her, it looked as if she had lost at least 60 lbs. Her skin sagged and looked Grey, like all of her color was gone. Her hair had lost its color too it used to be brilliantly blond and now it was dark. And lot of her hair had fallen out/thinned. It was easily one of the most frightening things I'd ever seen. I think it just hit me so hard because I hadn't seen her condition progress and I returned from what I imagined her to be to what she became, and it shocked me.

I don't know if I realized that she was going to die and just accepted it right then or what. But she had passed a week or two after I didn't feel anything.

I mean, if I had not gone to the hospital and heard about it over the phone or something, I guess that could be excusable. But I literally watched her die on a couch at her house with all of my family crying and screaming and I didn't feel a damn thing. I heard her gasping for air and moaning from the pain even after being given morphine, and I still didn't feel anything. I went to her viewing and saw her body, which the funeral home did a horrendous job to. They left her face and skin sagging so you could see her scull basically peeking through the flesh, her mouth in a drooping and open expression. It looked like they slapped some baby powder on her face and with some lipstick and that was it... STILL, I didn't feel anything... But a little pissed off that they disrespected my grandmother's body. I was even a paul bearer and led her casket, which was on wheels... what a fucking joke. I couldn't even carry my grandmothers casket

I had to WALK BESIDE IT IN A LINE AS SOME STUPID ASSHOLE FAGGOT SNOBBY FUNERAL DIRECTOR PUSHED IT LIKE IT WAS A FUCKING SHOPPING CART AND I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING! But again, pissed off.


So I'm sorry if I got a little graphic or whatever, but I just wanted to express what I've been going through as clearly as possible.

I'm pretty sure I SHOULD be sad and stuff but I'm not, I see her face and hear her voice in my head ever so often and I don't feel anything when I think I should. I don't know if thats just THE WAY I AM or if I've been gone so long and disconnected from REGULAR PEOPLE and FAMILY that I just can't feel the way I should or maybe I haven't mourned yet. Or maybe its my lack of faith that has lead me to JUST ACCEPT IT AND BAM! ITS OVER.

I know that people mourn differently and whatnot, but I doubt thats the problem. I've NEVER really mourned any death not even a dog or a cat that I've owned.

I remember owning a cat once that got some bacterial infection that ate a hole in its side and it was walking around my house with a gaping hole in its side (I was six) and my mom had to put it to sleep....nothing. I had another cat that my mom poisoned with bug spray (on accident) and the only reason I was upset about it was because they made me bury it.

I guess my question is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME and do any of you go through the same thing?[/hide]

There are a wide variety of human emotions: sadness, happiness, hatred, anger, love etc...

Have you ever found that you couldn't feel a certain emotion? Have you ever thought that because of your inability to feel a certain way you aren't "normal"? Is it hard for you to mourn a death or love someone because of this?

Basically talk about a situation that you've been in where you couldn't express yourself emotionally and how it effected you.
DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES  THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE<br />DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS<br />PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES<br />DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

#2 TFT

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 07:35 AM

I dunno man, I find myself getting upset over really petty things vs things you should be upset over. And about the way you mourned your grandmother, idk different strokes for different folks. It's like, some people can pick up bodies off the road while eating a cheeseburger while others can't.

People just accept passing differently.


#3 Strangeluv

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 07:42 AM

I'm like you, man. I've told other people about it and they couldn't understand. My grandmother died of a heart attack about two years ago. She got one and they took her to the hospital and then she got another one later that night and died.

We didn't know she died when we were going to see her when we heard about the second one but I was in the car and my mom and dad and two aunts were there and they were all talking like THERE'S GOING TO BE HOPE and I knew I didn't have any of that. She was already dead to me by the time we got the phone call. I don't know why I never held out any hope. So when we arrived, I saw the dead body and I was kind of like, "Oh, wow," but that was it. I didn't cry. Everyone else was crying and I was sort of just there, not doing anything. I was more amused than sad.

People called me cold because I was the only grandchild who didn't cry at the funeral. And I was semi-close to my grandmother too. I don't know why I didn't cry but my mom asked me if I'm not sad or w/e and I realized I wasn't even feeling sad! Things proceeded as normal. The funeral took place and people cried and I sat there. At the burial, someone tried to jump in the grave and I laughed really loud but covered my mouth and stepped aside because I couldn't stop laughing. Hopefully, no one saw me!

And then my aunt started to sing or something and my dad said something like, "What the fuck is she doing," and he stepped aside too.

With pets... I only get sad for a day or so because I miss having them around but I never go into any deep mourning for anything. I haven't even cried in years. I had a friend shot and killed about two years ago also. Didn't really feel sad about it, just a little angry I guess because he was shot by a drunk off-duty policeman. And I'd been friends with him since I was like 8.

My girlfriend finds it disturbing and also finds it weird I can show such tenderness to her, family members, friends and pets and not even shed a tear when they're gone. I don't blame her for feeling that way, though. I often wonder how I would feel if my mother or father died and I often can't see myself mourning them for some reason. And they're good parents but I can't see myself mourning them. Just that it's a new start for me, somehow, and that I've picked myself up and moved on already. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, man, I don't know. It bothers me sometimes but overall, I think I see it as an advantage.

#4 Jayce

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 09:29 AM

When my mum had a heart attack and they gave her a 30% chance of living, I didn't cry...
Everyone around me was crying and my aunt kept saying "It's okay, your mum will be fine" I just gave her this weird stare and kept thinking to myself "Well if my mum made BETTER CHOICES she would be fine, I'm not getting upset over something she's done to herself..." since she is an overweight smoker...

When we found out that she was going to be okay, everyone was like "Thank god" while all I had in my head was "Wow, he must be a brilliant surgeon...", I didn't say any of this aloud to my family because let's face it, I'm not THAT cold, but after that I always thought of myself as heartless, I couldn't fathom why I felt nothing...


My friend of 15 years also committed suicide...
Once again, at his funeral, around his friends and family, nothing...

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#5 Strangeluv

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 09:30 AM

We're all serial killers in the making.

#6 Evil Bob

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 09:33 AM

I used to be like that, lost several family members and friends throughout my life, never felt anything, yet even two years after my father's death, I get upset anytime I even think about him.

#7 CorporateGreed

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 09:58 AM


I don't feel grief. Ever. In past days this used to be a real problem for me, but luckily my family
has begun to accept that. It's just that when someone dies, I can't really care. It's like nothing
changes.

It seems there are a lot of people who do this. Grief isn't the same to everyone. To some it's very
sad, while to others it may be nothing of the sort.
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#8 Bondo

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 10:33 AM

It's normal to cover emotions you would rather not feel, and some people are better at it than others.  It's not that you aren't feeling them, it's that you cover them, and convince yourself that you cannot feel them.  It's a kind of defense mechanism.

If it gets out of hand, you can develop a lot of emotional build up, and this can explode in a very unhealthy manner.  It's a good idea to talk to someone about these things, a family member, a friend, preferably someone close but you can talk to a counselor if need be.

I used to think that I was incapable of crying.  My sister gave birth to a stillborn daughter at six months, and I thought I felt nothing.  I was at the funeral, and everybody, men and women alike were crying around me, yet I still had nothing.  A song my sister had picked started to play, and for some reason, this triggered the water works.  I teared up, and I almost didn't know why.  I knew then that I could cry, and I was just mentally conditioned to hide it.

Also, where death is concerned, how close you were to the person has a lot to do with it.  If it's a grandparent you see twice a year, you may not feel close enough to get emotional, but see what happens when a parent, or a spouse dies.

#9 Farren

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 12:54 PM

People called me cold because I was the only grandchild who didn't cry at the funeral.


I remember my great grandma died when I was younger (whom had alzheimers since I was too young to remember) and all I asked was if my grandma (her daughter, not the one that died) was ok. My mom said yes and I just said ok and walked off, later she was all like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!



I think everyone understood why I acted the way I did though with my grandmother.  I've always been sort of odd about stuff like this, I got a feeling they thought it was WEIRD AS FUCK but they understood.

Maybe it is a defense mechanism, but I thought I'd at least feel sad or something watching her die like that.
DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES  THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE<br />DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS<br />PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES<br />DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

#10 jamie

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 03:41 PM

you know i'm not sure if i full relate to you guys here cos i have only known one person who died and it was sad when he did. it was my grandad and he was an old man, but he was one of my favourite relatives and i saw him a lot. i didn't break down and cry, i didn't even want to go to the funeral but that doesn't mean i wasn't sad that he was dead. i get the sense that you guys are beating yourselves up for i dunno, not grieving correctly? you say you don't feel anything but i don't necessarily buy that. that thought went through my mind once or twice but looking back on it, i was just being sixteen years old is all.

you don't need to justify how sad you are to other people. just because you could get through the funeral without a tear doesn't mean you don't have a soul or some stupid shit, it probably jus means you are detatched cos you spend all day on internet forums!!!! or something like that, anyway i don't think it's such a big deal.

one thing i did notice, and i couldn't really get over for a while was how much i kind of cringed and fumed watching other people react to the death. this is why i didn't want to go to the funeral, and why i would have rather you know, just visited his grave and had a last little "bye grandad" moment alone or something like that. the amount media i consume on a daily basis makes any real emotion reaction in real life seem hacknyed and that is fucking awful. i wouldn't say this stuff to the people involved, but when i see people do those things i see on tv and movies, in books and video games, in my head i'm like "...really?". not all the time, but stuff like funerals get to me in this way. the black suit, the solemn faces. i just don't buy that stuff, that isn't grieving and i don't like it. i was so angry at my grandad's funeral hearing people say things like "oh at least he isn't suffering anymore".

i don't know if i feel like that's something i feel guilty about, but i guess i'm just really suspicious of the way people act in these situations and i've seen too much shit on a screen to just accept the way someone is acting as real.



#11 Niitaka

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Posted 27 May 2008 - 08:19 PM

yeah plus i think a lot of people are conditioned or otherwise have an idea of what they're "supposed" to do at a funeral and are just going through the motions. letting yourself grieve your own way, on your own time doesn't make you as much of a heartless bastard as someone who's faking his tears in an effort to SHOW he's sad. grief is what it is.

#12 big ass skelly

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 02:03 AM

I don't cry at funerals, I save it for when I'm alone. Not because I don't want to cry in front of other people (who are all crying) but because I just prefer to do my actual grieving alone and somewhere quiet where I can really think about the person and what they meant to me.


If you can actually accept death like that then you should probably think of it as a blessing not IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

#13 Dale Gobbler

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 02:07 AM

Man what a bunch of badasses. I have to strain to hold back the tears if the person was close to me, or even if they weren't. Just seeing someone lying in a casket that was alive the last time you saw them just triggers a switch or something. And when the family gets up and talks about their lives it's almost impossible for me to not let a few tears slip by.

#14 Aten

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 02:21 AM

I was pretty unmoving at my grand fathers funeral, Like, everyone was sad, and my mom and everyone else was crying. But when they set fire to the pyre, all of a sudden a bunch of thoughts ran through my head, and it was like, this "feeling" took over, and I started to cry for the first time since he died. So yeah, I didn't feel anything for the whole week, but at the last moment, I guess I realized "he's gone". He was really cool too, I miss him a lot still.
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#15 Farren

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 02:38 AM

I think I should probably clear something up a bit.

Its not my lack of tears thats really bothering me. Its just an ABSENCE OF FEELING WHATSOEVER!

like, my only reaction to her being gone is just "wow thats unfortunate" like if I had stepped on a fucking bug on accident or if a friend ended a relationship with someone that I didn't really know or care about. And the problem is, that I'm not grieving at all and can't really compel myself to think about it.

So yeah, I mean I can deal with it and shit. I just think its REALLY shitty that I'm not the least bit sorrowful or reflective of the whole thing.
DEUCE: MEETING THE URINE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND REALIZING IT'S JUST LIKE ME AND MY PREJUDICES  THIS WHOLE TIME WERE COMPLETELY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF PTTTTHTHTHH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE<br />DEUCE: FUCK THIS TASTES LIKE PISS<br />PANTS: WHERE IT SHOULD TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY OR PICKLES<br />DEUCE: OR AT LEAST LIKE URINE NOT PISS

#16 Cheesy Doritos

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 02:48 AM

It probably hasn't hit you yet. I think, the closer you are, the longer it takes to realize. When some family member close to me died, I really didn't cry at the funeral or anything, it took several days for me to start really grieving (and a while to stop). I think this 'empty' feeling will last until it really IMPACTS you. Like... Wow. She's gone, I'll never hear to talk again, or see her smile, or etc etc.

So anyway yeah I don't PENT UP MY EMOTIONS or anything, I'm not crazy, but I don't tend to cry very much.
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#17 Aten

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 03:20 AM

Whoa! I think Cheesy Doritos just explained what I had described happened to me.
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#18 DrFunk

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 04:45 AM

edit: nevermind

#19 goldenratio

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 04:48 AM

ha ha ha!

i'm a robot is what the deal is





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